Giving up smoking, really?

Given the content of my previous post maybe now isn’t a good time to be trying to give up smoking but hey when is a good time. I’ve been smoking for 40 years but it’s got to be so expensive and of course I’ve got a young daughter who no doubt would be pretty pissed off if daddy dropped dead from lung cancer or a heart attack.

But I’ve bitten the bullet and on the weekend just gone I broke open the patches and the lozenges and made a start.  Whilst I’ve been stumbling (mainly because my partner is struggling worse than me) I’m amazed at how easy it’s been, not piss easy but certainly do-able. OK, I’m only on day 3 but I’m feeling pretty good.

The patches have brought me out in welts – allergic reaction to the bloody glue I expect and the lozenges  taste like what I imagine a pub ashtray would taste like – if you could smoke in a pub that is (ahhh, the good old days).  I can remember being able to smoke on planes and trains – back in the good old days again!

So lozenges are taken with a strong mint, and I need to keep needing to find new places to stick the bloody patches.

I’m trying not to be smug about doing better than the other half. She is of course amazed (and slightly annoyed I think) that I’ve not thrown my toys out of the pram and started chain smoking!!!!!

If I keep it up I’ll come back to this.

My Ex-wife to be….

My Ex-wife to be is a right pain in the arse. We are still fighting through lawyers and the courts about how much time I should have our daughter  in my care.  I’ve just managed to get it up to 6 nights out of 14. I’m trying to get 50/50 of course. Why wouldn’t I, she is my daughter also after all.  I always thought that all the people with important opinions to express, i.e. the experts, say a child is best served by being equally influenced by two parents. Traditionally this has been a mother and a father.  Why does it seem that I as a father am of less value to my daughter than her mother? We’re not the same true but if I was ignoring my child’s upbringing if we were still together wouldn’t society look sideways at that and think ‘yeah, he does really take an interest in his kid’.

I can only say thank Christ I don’t live in the UK or I’d really be fucked.

This gave me a smile!

A message from her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up ‘revocation’ in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy). Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘colour,’ ‘favour,’ ‘labour’ and ‘neighbour.’ Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters,  and the suffix ‘-ize’ will be replaced by the suffix ‘-ise.’  Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels.  (look up ‘vocabulary’).
2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ”like’ and ‘you know’ is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.  The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter ‘u” and the elimination of  ‘-ize.’
3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists.  The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not quite ready to be independent.  Guns should only be used for shooting grouse.  If you can’t sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you’re not ready to shoot grouse.
5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler.  Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect.  At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.  Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon.  Get used to it.
8. You will learn to make real chips.  Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps.  Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all.  Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of  known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager.  South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer.  They are also part of the British Commonwealth – see what it did for them.  American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys.  Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters.  Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one’s ears removed  with a cheese grater.
11. You will cease playing American football.  There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer.  Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). ———————
12. Further, you will stop playing baseball.  It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America.  Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.  You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
13.. You must tell us who killed JFK.  It’s been driving us mad.
14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream)  when in season.
God Save the Queen!

Ten Thousand Tears

[A poem for my daughter – one day she may read it and maybe understand it.]

Ten Thousand Tears

I have wept ten thousand tears for the ages lost and the ages I will never see,

For you are too young for me and I too old to thee,

A ruptured heart, a tattered soul, taken from my every waking sight,

Always in my thoughts, you are nestled in the remnants of me.

As I hold your little hand beautiful, I can only hope one day you will know me truly, until then, goodnight.